I Feel Terrible

The two puffy ulcers at the corner of my mouth are making my life difficult. Chewing is hardly easy and occassionally, I bite on it and it hurts like hell. I'm down with a cold and my worst nightmare, sore throat. Mum gave me a cup of salt water to gurgle cos it's supposed to do my throat good. Sadly, my ulcers were burning when it touched my mouth and what I really wanted to do was to burst out of the bathroom screaming. It dawned upon me that I might have reached the quota of my tolerance for pain, be it physically or mentally. And this sent thoughts streaming into my head.

I hate regrets. Looking back on what just happened these two years, I can see how much I've grown. When I got back my results, I was incredibly upset. I knew I didn't put in enough effort, I could have done so much, so much more. You just cant help but to ask yourself what the fuck have you been doing. Blame it on my stupidity, blame the immature me for being so cooped up in a tiny mindset and not being able to see the big picture. I often try putting the consequences of other's action on myself to let him/her feel the pain cos I thought I was that significant but I just end up hurting myself the most. Since it's all over, I really wished that we didn't cross path. It's not abt the outcome, it's abt the journey. And this is why I regret my childish actions. Perharps this is what the adults always say, that when you grow up, you'll understand.

However, I'm starting to embrace what someone once told me: everything happens for a reason. So be it good or bad, I have no choice but to make the best out of it. I spent my life thinking what I could have done, instead of what I have to do and really doing it. You don't live your life for others except your family and if the rest cannot accept what you are, let it be. It's not your loss, and probably not theirs either. So why bother then? I'm constantly pushing myself to be better, nicer but there's always nitty gritty stuff that differentiates you and the rest of the world. That doesn't need to be a flaw, it's what makes you, you.